Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
