A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
