On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
