it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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