singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
