I cannot find my penis.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
