I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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