Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
