Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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