My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
