Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
