i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
