worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
