doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
