i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
