i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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