This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
