Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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