I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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