So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
