I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
