What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize