i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
