Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
