my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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