dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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