dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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