I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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