he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
