Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
