The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
