i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
