There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she told me i tasted like america
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
