her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
