I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
