She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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