i barfeds in our rink
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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