Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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