I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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