When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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