can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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