you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
