It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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