I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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