you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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