I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
