Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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