There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
