I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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