My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
