Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
