my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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