Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
