Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
