I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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