I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
