Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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