The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He better not be in your backpack
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
