If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think i got beer on your cat.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize