i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
