you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
