It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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