Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
